Final Preparations

Tomorrow is Mom's memorial service. The official good-bye. For me it will start the long good-bye. This time the slide show has gone together very well, unlike when I put Dad's together. I finally got music onto Dad's this week..THANK YOU JOY!!

Aunt Jeanette and Uncle Cutler arrived safely yesterday from California. What a blessing she has been..Coming up twice in such a short time. I spoke with my friend, Lorri, today and she will be there as well as my friend Sara. The Lord has blessed us with such good people in our lives.

Last night was laugh night..Erika, Diane, Joy, Lydia, Melody, Rhonda and I went to go see "Mamma Mia" last night..What a hoot!! I thought I knew Abba's music, but I only recognized a few. My sister, Debbie, saw it a couple of weeks ago and talked about a "Mamma Mia" party where a group of friends get together for a meal, visit the thrift store so they can get an appropriate dress and go to the movie. I passed that on to my friends who thought it would be fun and they added dancing in the aisles too! What a vision! I know Diane would do it!

I will be glad when tomorrow is over.

Preparations

Today was spent at Mountain View Funeral Home. This time (refer to a post on May 6th, I think..) we had an appointment. We had requested the same director, Chris Steward. What a neat guy! The lady in the tweed suit (May) was wearing a very dignified, blue pant suit. We got to bypass the sales room..I brought my camera this time, but didn't need it..(I keep alluding to my post in May..) One person I forgot to mention from our last experience here at Mountain View was the cemetery advisor...I won't mention his name, but he is the epitome of creepy. When we were there in May, he had on a black suit, black vest, black shirt with a black tie..Very creepy..His fingernails were manicured and had a very weak handshake. Today the shirt was orange and I can't remember the tie. Debbie and I had a difficult time trying not to laugh too much!

From there we had lunch and then headed to St. Mary's to plan the service. We got that done and our last stop was the florist. Everything is ready..

For me, finding the humor is what is keeping me sane. I know it's a defense mechanism, but that's me! I'm my Father's child. I was reading some letters my Dad wrote to my Mom while she was in Spain. He always said about me "Charlee is just being Charlee." I sure hope that was a good thing.

Right now I am numb. There are some details still to work out..putting together a memory table, a slide show with NO MUSIC!! I can't figure out the music on slide shows..Wednesday night I'm going to see "Mamma Mia" at the Shelton Cinemas for anyone who wants to join me..

We continue to covet your prayers. I had a real hard time sleeping last night. I kept seeing my Mom at the time of her death every time I closed my eyes. I will be working on her slide show and hope that will help put good images in my mind.

God Bless you dear friends!

Move Over Beverly Sills, Heaven Has A New Soprano

Today at 11:43AM, my Mom's suffering ended and she is in heaven with the Lord and with my Dad..Hallelujah!! Debbie and I were with her when she died. I am so glad we were, but I really don't want to go through that again.

Mom's memorial service will be Friday August 1st at St. Mary's Episcopal Church in Lakewood at 1PM.

Tomorrow we have details to deal with, but at least there is no apartment of close up.

Thanks for all your support. It means the world to us.

Prayer request

Debbie and I need your prayers. We are exhausted both physically and emotionally. We are confused, to say the least. Why is our Mom holding on? We have told her we will be sad, but ok when she goes. I am even struggling with anger issues, but I don't know who or what I'm angry about.

So..please pray...for God's will and for wisdom for Debbie and me. I've asked the Lord if there is something that perhaps Mom is holding onto that needs resolution. Pray that she would have no fear, and that she would understand that eternity with the Lord will be so much better than the life she has down here now.

Thank you!

July 26th

This post is out of order..I initially posted it on my other blog...This is Saturday..the next one is today, Sunday..

Today Mom is back to being out of it again. I called this morning for an update and she was still pretty alert. She was asked if she wanted food and she declined. She didn't want any liquids either. I think she is fearful of choking as it has become hard for her to swallow.

When Debbie had gotten there around 10, Mom was out of it..apparently she had become agitated and was also having trouble taking her morphine. And, her right leg was very restless (which is part of her disease). She was given some Adavan (sp) and that combined with the morphine has knocked her out. She has not had any food or liquid since Monday the 21st. I don't know how long someone can go without that, especially in a very weakened state.

More later...

So Very Tired..July 27th

I have just checked into a hotel near Manor Care. Mom is still hanging on. I spent last night in her room and got to sleep around 1AM. The aids came in around 3AM to reposition her and after they left, she was really struggling with her breathing and she was moaning. I called for help, but the nurse was with another resident. She got there and assesed Mom's situation. Her oxygen level was at 55..normal is 100. We had opted to not continue oxygen back on Thursday. She is definitely slowing down, but she is a strong woman. She always has been..physically and mentally. Needless to say, I was very scared. Debbie and Lenard had decided to go forward with their trip to Leavenworth to see a live "Sound of Music." I called Debbie at 3:15AM...There's a part of me that is struggling with the no oxygen, but I have been assured that it's ok. It would probably not help much at this point. It was initially given to her Monday as a comfort measure. And, Debbie and I have determined we want Mom to move forward. We think that is what she would want also. I also called Reg and he got up to Gig Harbor at 4:30ish. (AM) Debbie and Lenard decided to wait until daylight before heading out. Mom had settled down and was breathing easier.

So, I'm here hoping to rest. I want to stay close, and I don't think I could have driven home. So far I've stayed every other night with my Mom..It's hard to sleep there as there is lots of activity throughout the night.

Both Debbie and I are so very glad that our Dad passed first. This would be so hard for him to go through.

Please continue praying for us as we walk to the end.

More.......

Today has ended up being an interesting day. Mom was actually quite alert. It's very confusing. She does not speak, except a few words to the aides as they reposition her. But, her eyes were opened most of the day and she responded to Debbie and me when we talked to her. She would give a little smile to something funny or raise her eyebrows. Debbie said that when she left she asked Mom if she was comfortable..Mom winked..but in talking with the staff and Hospice, this is not unusual for someone who is dying. There is often a rally right before they pass..I guess we'll see..

Thanks for your prayers!

Friday July 25

Mom is still alive, but barely. It’s like she’s hanging on to something. Yesterday we shut off her oxygen. It doesn’t seem to have changed anything. Her breathing is noisy as her lungs are totally congested. Her heart rate has picked up because she is dehydrated. Early in this process, we had the discussion with Hospice about this time and about food and water. Physically it is easier on a person to be “dry,” without food and water in their system. It is less painful.

Mom is still given morphine every hour and her position is changed every 2-3 hours. After she is moved, she just stays there. Yesterday I brought my Dad’s cross and she has that in her hand. I got what I think was a couple of responses through raised eyebrows.

Mom has touched so many people here at Manor Care. There are many who are struggling with her imminent death. Mom has been very touchy feely here, which is interesting because she really wasn’t a touchy feely type of person when healthy. That was my Dad.

Our prayers for Mom is that she would just let go and go home to Jesus. He is waiting for her. She has accomplished much in her life and her job is finished. For me I pray that my image of my Mom would not be the emaciated woman she is right now, but that of a strong, healthy Mom. When my Uncle Jimmy died in 1982, he too had wasted away to nothing. I remember having a series of 3 dreams and the last one I saw him as he was and today that is the image I see.

More to follow…………..

Update

Mom is actively dying. We got the call yesterday. Debbie and I both arrived yesterday and spent the night with her in her room. Emily and Tillie came up too, but went home with Reg a bit later.

There is so much de ja vue here with my Dad's death..Emily and Tillie are up for a week..David is unable to visit so far because of work..I have prescriptions that need picking up..

Mom is receiving morphine every hour now and they reposition her every 2-3 hours. She was moved to a private room yesterday that has both a hide a bed and an extra bed..That's where we slept.

Mom was aware when I arrived. I told her I loved her and she tried to respond. When Debbie got there she'd had more morphine, so there wasn't much response. Our wonderful CNA, Tami, seems to get the best responses from her.

We'll keep this updated as best we can. Thanks for all your prayers. They are very much appreciated.

Realization

I realized something this morning. My Dad was my biggest cheerleader in life. He always told me I could do anything I wanted...as long as I was willing to face the consequences.

Back in the early 70's, my Dad made the decision to become self-employed in his consulting business. I remember him saying he didn't want to sacrifice happiness just for financial security. He believed if what you were doing in your life's work wasn't fun, it wasn't worth doing. He felt that you should really enjoy that which you do. It's something to think about.

In going through my Dad's files, I found some of his writings. He was working on an autobiography of sorts. He realized that he tended to be a perfectionist. You know, "practice makes perfect." He mellowed over the years and he had a hand written note on his computer in recent times that said "practice makes better." I like that!

Just What is Normal?

My sister and I were having a conversation the other day..laced with tears, of course..Debbie said "I just want to find normal!" I feel the same way, but my response is "I think this is our normal right now."

Mom eats and drinks less and less. Hospice has a booklet on anticipatory grief and it talks about "the process." It seems like it's happening faster and faster..

I did have a good visit with Mom yesterday. Right outside each room is a window box type thing that families can decorate. Most have pictures, momentos from the past, etc. I took a bunch of pictures that showed my folks past and present, well, present in 2005. At those photo thingys at Wal Mart, you can scan them in and make a collage, so that's what I did. It came out pretty good..So, I showed it to Mom and then put it in her window box. I hope she was pleased. I think so. She still has no pictures over her bed anymore. Shortly after Dad died, she asked that all the pictures be taken down. Anyway, back to the visit..we wandered a bit and went outside. Then it was back to her room and she wanted to lay down. It's getting harder for the staff to transfer her from her chair to her bed, toilet, etc..she is getting stiffer and stiffer, because of the progression of her disease. Debbie came shortly after that and we all visited a bit. I left for Costco and then home for our evening church service.

One good thing out of all of this is Debbie and I are bonding as sisters at a deeper level. I am thankful for that!

Stuff

Mom isn't getting much better..in fact, while she hasn't thrown up more since Monday, she is hardly eating and losing more and more strength. Debbie spent time with her Monday and Tuesday. Mom had declined in that short time..

Today marks the 2 month anniversary of my Dad's death..how weird. Today Tillie is 22 months..interesting that on the 2nd of each month, well at least for awhile, I will think of those two people..I know as time goes on, Dad's death won't be something I think about a lot..But it's still raw, and with Mom near to her death..well......

Debbie was talking about the seasons..our life has it's own seasons too..the thing about seasons is that each year, after winter, there is always spring..It's that way in our lives too. My Mom may be in her winter season, but spring will come again. Because of her belief in Jesus Christ, she will have spring again! It's an awesome thought! I hope I did it justice Debbie...