Life's A Journey

A Year of Firsts

2009-07-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

Today marks the end of what I have called "The Year of Firsts." All the firsts one must go through after a loved one dies. I remember reading a fictional book once on how we might respond if we knew that we would be experiencing a "last" with someone. I think we know some of those, but then there are lots we don't know.

My Mom went to be with the Lord a year ago today! The year has gone by fast. I find that I haven't grieved a lot. There was so much relief when Mom died. She was very ill..knowing that with the Lord she is whole and healthy is a great grief reliever! Same for my Dad...I know at times I have felt guilt because I wasn't "consumed" with grief..I know though that whatever grief we feel, go through, etc is ok..My Mom would have wanted us to carry on, because that's how she responded in life. She was one to always carry on!

I wish I could post my slide show, but computer issues are in the way!

I know all who may read this and who knew my Mom know that we lost a classy woman! A wonderful woman! Please know that she truly is in a better place because she had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It's there for all of us..salvation is a gift given to all of us that just needs unwrapping. I know my Mom would want to see all her friends in eternity.

Life goes on. We are having our second grandchild on August 3rd..unless by some miracle Emily goes into real labor fast!! It is a boy who will have a funky name, thanks to his Daddy. He will be named Ravis Allen Maier.

I retired last September from work to recover from the loss of my folks and this past May 27th, I went back to the chiropractic office to take over the billing! Life goes on..it doesn't stop for death, birth...it just goes on!

I pray the Lord's blessing on all who may read this blog!

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day! Another first! One more to go and the year of firsts for both parents will be over..It's been easier than I anticipated, but then there were times when it's been hard....Last Mother's Day was the week after my Dad died, so it was a hard one too..

This past Friday and Saturday I delivered flowers for a local florist. The flowers were beautiful and a great gift, but, saying Happy Mother's Day to your Mom in person is so much nicer. I know it's very much appreciated. But, when distance separates, the flowers are a nice touch.

So, here's to you Mom! I miss you so much, but I know that you are having a great celebration with Jesus!

Remembering......

2009-04-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

This week last year was the last week of my Dad's life and I'm remembering all that went on that week..It was Monday that Dad was moved to Hospice House and I had to leave work early to sign all the papers. On Tuesday I had gotten a call from the Hospice social worker saying my Mom knew something was going on and was very agitated. So, after work I had to go up to see Mom and tell her about Dad...Wednesday of that week was quiet for me..I remember being so relieved..On Thursday, Hospice volunteers brought my Mom to see my Dad for what turned out to be their last time together (well, on earth that is).. Debbie, Emily, Tillie and I also got to see him. I feel so bad for David because he couldn't get there that day..I think it bothered him too..I remember calling my boss and saying I wouldn't be there on Friday because I just felt I needed to be with Dad...Never did I imagine he would pass so quickly..

This Saturday is May 2nd..the first anniversary of Dad's death..I miss him so much..I miss being able to call and say hi..or tell him what 's been going on in my life...

I am most likely going back to work soon at Shelton Chiropractic. I took time off to recover from 2008..It's been a good break, that's for sure. I will only go back 3days a week. I don't want to let myself get overwhelmed again. Well, for now, I guess. There will be time in my life where I might get overwhelmed. I am thankful for my Lord who sees me through the rough times..it would be hopeless without Him!

6 & 9 Months

2009-02-02T12:25:00.000-08:00

Nine months ago today my Dad went to be with Jesus..and on January 28th it was my Mom's 6 month anniversary..the time is going by so fast, but oh Lord, I miss my parents..I have some health concerns going on right now and it makes me miss them so much more. I think we will always be children..(Yes, Emily..even you! ) :)

My niece, Shannon, and I have been messaging each other and I made the comment about not knowing what I want to do when I grow up...Her advice was don't grow up..My Dad never did and he did just fine! I needed to hear that today..Thank you Shannon!

In March, Debbie and I are going to take a walk down memory lane and 1. go visit old homes, our grandparent's gravesites and 2. have a reunion with our cousins, Susan and Doug. They are the children of our Uncle Jimmy who was Mom's older brother. It's been a long time since we last saw them and have recently reconnected through Facebook! Here's my plug for Facebook!! Sign up...see who you can reconnect with..it's WONDERFUL!

I have many "things" on my plate these days..anyone who reads this, please pray for me! I would be very thankful for that!

Happy Birthday to Me!!

2009-01-17T22:14:00.000-08:00

When you lose someone close you have that year of firsts...until yesterday I was thinking of the firsts like their birthdays, mother's and father's day, Christmas, etc...I didn't realize that one of those firsts could be my birthday, but here it is and my parents can't call me to sing Happy Birthday..or in recent years me calling them to say Happy Birthday to me! Last year was my 50th and a few days before both Debbie and I were visiting Mom and Dad was there too. That in itself was different as Dad liked to visit separate from us..anyway, my folks gave me a card that they had both signed..and that was hard for Mom..I still have the card as it was very special to me!

Debbie, I didn't even think about this on your birthday..I don't know if you had these feelings too..I'm sorry I didn't figure that out back in September..

I have had a good birthday though..good friends and a wonderful family!!!

Some more pictures

2009-01-13T16:40:00.001-08:00

I found some more pictures. This is September 2006, the week after Emily and Anthony got married and before Anthony headed back for Iraq..Mom is holding her great-granddaughter, Tillie Anne. The name Anne goes 4 generations now..Mom was Anne, my sister Debra Anne, my daughter, Emily Anne, and now Tillie Anne! Tillie is now 2 1/2!

This is Dad and my son David when David and I came home from Anchorage, Alaska, where he was born. This is the first time they met..It was such a neat time. A group of friends from Hosea (Folk mass group at our old church), were there to greet us too! David had the distinction of being the first grandkid and he and his Grandpa shared a special bond.
Me, Dad and David! 24 1/2 years ago!!

Seeing these pictures has me a bit emotional..mostly because I miss my folks, but seeing where David is now in life and how fast the time has gone!!

"And the Sky Was Bright With a Holy Light, Twas the Birthday of a King"

2008-12-26T16:49:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of Debbie, Mom and me at Christmas..I would guess it to be 1962 or 1963..2008 is our first Christmas without parents and to be honest, it's been difficult. But, as Debbie and I talked and cried, we were glad that they are with the Lord celebrating with the angels..The real deal.

The words in the title are from the song "The Birthday of a King." Dad sang that song for years at the family Christmas sing..for years and years and years, the Hagopian family gathered for the annual Christmas Sing. It was so fun...there was even sleigh bells on leather straps for the kids when we sang "Jingle Bells." One kid on each end of the strap. The memories are real fresh right now as I am missing my parents.

Jesus was born in this world to give us access to the Lord. It is through Jesus that our sins are forgiven and salvation is given. He is our hope for eternal life with our Heavenly Father. A gift given to us that only needs unwrapping.

Luke 2:11 says "Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord." It is this hope that makes this first Christmas without my parents bearable.

I had the most wonderful dream

2008-11-17T13:08:00.001-08:00

about my Mom early this morning..I was doing something and saw my parents walk by..Looking healthy and young. I went up to them, but at that point I only saw my Mom and I was able to ask her if she was ok with how we handled her remains..I know that sounds morbid, but we struggled with what to do as she never gave us any direction. She let me know that all was ok..I felt so much peace and comfort and I know that the dream was a gift from the Lord..Thank you Jesus!!!

Happy Birthday, Mom...I miss you!

2008-11-11T21:13:00.000-08:00

In memory of Anne Hagopian..November 12, 1931 - July 28, 2008

I had to take out the slide show as it made a mess of the blog..same for Dad's birthday post..

Happy Birthday Dad!

2008-11-06T13:26:00.000-08:00

Today would be Dad's 77th birthday! Oh, how I miss him!!! Last Sunday marked 6 months since he died! Time is going fast. I am still finding myself more "in relief" than "in grief." I don't know when or if it will change. I have become more relaxed in life, that's for sure. I'm sleeping well and my muscle stiffness is improving all the time..(I think that comes from not working)..:)

I know what I miss most is the ability to call and say "what's up?" "Guess what?" Debbie was saying the same week as their move to Alaska is getting closer and closer.

Next week we do this again with Mom's birthday..My parents were 6 days apart..same year and all..it made for some fun momentous birthdays, that's for sure!

So, Dad...Here's to you!

Look Dad, We Made It!!

2008-09-26T05:35:00.001-07:00

Several years ago my folks went on a roadtrip. There ending destination was to be Mt. Rushmore with stops on the way visiting friends. Well, they got as far as West Yellowstone when my Dad started having problems with the altitude. He had to be airlifted to Idaho Falls. This meant my Mom had to drive the 120 miles or so from West Yellowstone to Idaho Falls at night. She made it fine, but it scared Debbie and me.

When I told Dad that Reg and I were going to Mt. Rushmore this fall, he laughed and said "good luck."

We're here Dad and you would have loved it! I miss you both so much!!

Hey Jimmy, Joe, John, Jim, Jack

2008-09-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

Talk about a blast from the past..This was one of my family's favorite albums back from the 60's. The Limeliters..with Glenn Yarbrough. I think they were the original Limeliters, but not sure..anyway, I found the album on cd through Amazon...I was so excited when it arrived today..I played it and called Debbie and held my phone up to the speakers...then the tears! Sad tears, happy tears, tears of good memories and thankful for parents who loved music.

If I recall correctly, the Herkenhoff's, good family friends also loved this album too..I'm not sure if I'm remembering that right..but it was that time in our lives when the Hagopian and Herkenhoff families did a lot together..we later dubbed ourselves the Herkgopian's...anyway...lots of good memories today!!!

More closure

2008-09-18T20:43:00.001-07:00

This week was one more step of closure for Debbie and me. We went to Friday Harbor on Monday, the 15th to tend to estate stuff for our parents. We met with their financial person who lives up there..What a beautiful place! The weather was superb! We took the ferry from Anacortes up to San Juan Island. After getting settled in our hotel, which for a Best Western, was just ok..there is a picture of the hallway..the picture doesn't do it justice, but it was weird!!! Monday night Debbie and I had dinner with Nancy. We met again Tuesday morning, and then we were sent on a sightseeing tour. We drove to Roche Harbor for lunch. Then we headed for Lime Kiln State Park in hopes of seeing Orcas..No luck..we did see a seal and a deer though..We continued our tour of the island and stopped at a lavendar farm. Debbie and I had dinner at Bella Luna..yummy...

The next morning we finished up with Nancy and headed back to Anacortes. We were on our way to the Shilshole Marina to meet up with our cousin Bob..He was going to help us scatter ashes. Both Debbie and I were dreading this moment, but knew that it needed doing. I mentioned in an earlier post we were struggling with what to do..especially with our Mom..If I could pass on anything through this blog it would be..1: Make sure your affairs are in order..You'll never know when you'll need it..2: Let your family know what your wishes are for when you die..It's hard to guess! 3: Start paring down your life now..YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU!!

Anyway, I digress...Bob took us out on his boat, the Whaler. As we were heading out, his son, Matt was out on his new boat..It was cool..We headed out toward Bainbridge Island. When we got to our "spot," the time had come..I couldn't do it. I know that the ashes are not my folks..My folks are with the Lord, but I couldn't do it..meaning, I was afraid to handle the bags. So, Debbie took care of it. It was an emotional time for all 3 of us! I am so thankful Bob was willing and able to help us in this task. Afterwards, instead of just heading back, Bob took us to Port Madison to look at all the fancy boats and houses..It was real quiet. A nice place to go before heading back to Seattle and life.

When we got back, we went to Azteca in Ballard for dinner. It was a nice close to an emotional time.

Now it's time to get ready for our vacation. Reg and I leave Monday for a 2 week road trip with Mt. Rushmore as our destination and then down to Colorado Springs. I have been so busy since "retiring" that I'm still tired..I'm hoping vacation will provide me with the relaxation I so desparately need.

There were a bunch of pictures, so I've created a link. Click here to see them.

I anticipate that blog postings here will really slow down. I will update periodically as feelings and emotions come up..but the journey for my folks has ended here on earth. Their journey has begun in heaven with the Lord. As Debbie has said, they have graduated.

May God bless you all! Thank you for your prayers, love and support through this time!

Prayers, Please.....

2008-09-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Debbie and I will be scattering our parents ashes. We have struggled with what to do, especially with our Mom's ashes since she never told us her wishes. We finally came up with a plan and tomorrow is the day.

I have no idea how I'll be through this process. It helps with closure. Since I have retired I've been real busy..well, the first 2 weeks of retirement..I have realized right now that the relief I feel that my folks no longer suffer is greater than the grief I feel. I think that will change over time, but I'm not sure.

It's been 6 weeks since Mom died. The time has gone by quickly. I find what I miss most is not being able to call my folks up and say "hi."

Debbie and I are in Friday Harbor right now. We have had some meetings regarding our parents estate. It's beautiful here and the weather has been wonderful! I'll post more pictures later..after we get through tomorrow.

An End of An Era

2008-09-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day at Shelton Chiropractic Center. I have officially "retired." My retiring was a response to all that has gone on in the last couple of years with my parents and such. As I walked out of the building I started to cry and realized that though I'm glad to be finished, leaving my job of nearly 10 years involves a small grief process. I talked to Debbie about it and I liked what she said. When our parents died, they went to a much better place. They have graduated. So, my leaving is kind of a graduation to a different place..I think that's how she put it.

So, here's to Shelton Chiropractic Center...Thanks for memories!!

1978..25th Anniversary and other thoughts...

2008-08-22T21:10:00.001-07:00

It's amazing what you find going through years of accumlation, safe deposit boxes and the such. Here are my parents in 1978. These are their passport pictures as they got ready for their first European trip. April 25, 1978 was their 25th anniversary and they celebrated with friends and family and then it was off to Ghent, Belgium to visit family from my Dad's side and then to Rome, Florence and Venice, Italy. My parents did some traveling after they were retired. I know there was another trip overseas to England, Scotland and Wales..I think..

As Dad got older, he refused to travel by air. He had traveled so much during his banking career that he was done with it. I know he was fearful about flying all the time he traveled. Back in the day when my Dad smoked and smoking was allowed on airplanes, Dad would literally have his cigarette in hand with the lighter ready to go as soon as the "no smoking" light went off. To his credit, Dad quit smoking and drinking cold turkey in 1986! WAY TO GO DAD!! Because Dad wouldn't travel by air, both Debbie and I got to go with our Mom on a cruise. In May 2002, Debbie and Mom went through the Panama Canal on a 2 week cruise that began in Ft. Lauderdale and ended in Los Angeles. In October 2002, Mom and I took a 2 week cruise from Amsterdam to Budapest on the Main, Rhine and Danube rivers. It was awesome..THANK YOU MOM!!

This Monday will be the 4 week mark since Mom died. It's going by so fast. I have 2 more weeks of work left until my "retirement." I'm going to give myself time and permission to grieve. I don't feel like I've even started. I'm apprehensive at what emotions might come up, but I know I have to walk through this. It's part of the journey.

There were so many people we met along the way in this journey. I really miss seeing them all. Anna, Tonya, Susan, Tami..just to name a few. As much as I miss my Mom, I sure don't miss having to go to the nursing home. That was always hard for me. It takes a special person to work in that profession and we are so profoundly grateful for the people we met along the way. Thank you dear ones for what you do and the impact you have on the lives of your patients and their families!

Thomas Rominger Morrison

2008-08-17T23:43:00.000-07:00

I realize that most of this blog has been devoted to my parent's journey to the end, but wanted to share this picture of my grandparents, Tom and Martha Morrison.

Today is the 40th anniversary of my Granddaddy's death. August 17, 1968. I was 10. His death was my first experience with the death of a loved one. There was much I didn't understand at the time.

My Granddaddy was a fun man! My Dad said that he learned about affection from my Granddaddy. One thing I remember was that Granddaddy did not like cats..at all! When we moved back from Northern California to Southern California, we spent a week or so with my grandparents..We had not just 1 cat, but 2!!! As far as Debbie and I knew, we were hiding the cats from Granddaddy..years later I found out he knew all along..

So, here's to you Granddaddy!!! April 25, 1900 - August 17, 1968.

Because I knew you, I have been changed for good...

2008-08-14T21:11:00.000-07:00

Emily and I singing at Mom's service..I'm thankful we made it through....

The song sung was "For Good" from the musical "Wicked."

Breathe

2008-08-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

"This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your Holy presence
Living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very Word
Spoken to me

And I am desparate for You
And I am lost without You"

We sang this song Sunday at church and it is my anthem right now.

I am so thankful for my relationship with the Lord. He is how I have kept my self afloat this past year. It is this assurance that lets me know my folks are with Him and that there will be a time that both Debbie and I will be reunited with them.

Struggling

2008-08-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

It's been 11 days since Mom died and a week since her service. I am struggling..I think mostly it's because I'm not sleeping well...I don't know...I still have some questioning thoughts about some decisions we made during the process and that's kind of haunting..There are times when I think of my Mom, I see her as she is dying and that is unsettling. I keep looking through the pictures I put together for her slide show to change my mind's picture. It's getting better, thankfully.

I went back to work on Monday as I had taken almost 2 weeks off already...I wish I could have taken more time to help with the grieving process. Once again I feel like it's getting pushed down and when it finally hits...well..it could be interesting.

I did put my notice in at work. I tell people I'm retiring....I'll work through the first week in September. I am excited to retire. I feel like I need to regain my footing in life. There are lots of projects I have, so that should keep me busy. Having down time whenever I want it will be nice too..Reg and I have also extended our vacation time to 2 weeks so we'll be able to be on the road longer. I want to try and go to Colorado Springs and visit Focus on the Family..specifically to visit "Whit's End."

Francisican Hospice is putting an article together for their magazine that will honor Dad. I went up yesterday to meet with Rosemary to give some pictures and ideas. I am looking forward to reading it.

Tonight I'll take a full Benedryl with the hopes that it will knock me out. A friend's daughter is getting married tomorrow..I'll decide tomorrow if I'll go or not. Life these days are a day by day event.

From Emily

2008-08-04T22:09:00.000-07:00

This is from my daughter, Emily...she has a real gift for the written word..she has started her own blog too!

My Secret Place
In this Solitary Secret Place my soul is at ease. Here is where my heart finds peace, here where His Presence dwells. Before I come I feel His Spirit within me, calling me to this Secret Place. This is where I commune with my Lord.This place, though small at first in my eyes, completely engulfs me in Abba's mercy. This small place grows, for it cannot contain His Presence. As it grows my soul grows with it. His love spreads out from here and reaches out to the hearts and lives You have touched through me.Welcome me home, Lord, Welcome me home.

Written in honor and loving memory of Anne M. Hagopian, November 12, 1931-July 28, 2008.Wonderful wife, mother, grandmother and great-grandmother.May your voice ring throughout Heaven and be pleasing to God. I love you, Grandma.

We Walked to the End

2008-08-02T20:26:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was our "official" good-bye to Mom. Her service was at St. Mary's Episcopal Church in Lakewood at 1PM. The service went very well. Emily and I sang "For Good" from the musical, "Wicked." I was thinking perhaps I was taking on too much, but it came across well. The song's theme is because I knew you, I have been changed for good. I think that everyone who has known my Mom could say that. Debbie read the lessons and Emily sang the Lord's Prayer. My brother-in-law, Lenard gave the message. He so beautifully captured the essence of our Mom. In planning Mom's service, Debbie and I had a couple of themes we thought of using..One was Easter, another was a wedding and another spring. Debbie had told Mom on Tuesday (July 22) that winter was over and springtime was coming. Lenard used the verse from Song of Songs 2:11-12. "See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come.....At the end of the message, Lenard alluded to an inside joke. One day, Anna, the Hospice nurse went to visit my Mom and said "Hi Beautiful." Without missing a beat, my Mom answered "Hi Ugly!" It was funny..so, Anna then set up Tonya, the Hospice social worker..I guess Mom did it to Tami, our favorite CNA..she didn't realize Mom was kidding! Anyway, at the end of Lenard's message, he said he hoped that when Mom was greeted by the Lord saying "Hi Beautiful..." You get the idea!!

After the service there was a reception where we got to visit with people who loved our Mom. Our Aunt Jeanette and Uncle Cutler came up from Carmel, and my cousin Tricia and her family were up from LA. There were many others and we are so thankful that you were there with us.

Afterwards, Debbie and Lenard, my family and my Aunt & Uncle went out to the Ram for dinner. It was nice to visit with them..

Aunt Jeanette and Debbie

A very special mother/daughter moment. Cherish those moments!

And now it's time to figure life out without parents. I am fortunate to have come from a very close family. That's what makes this very hard for me. One way I relax is to play worship music and sing. I was playing this a song this evening called "Happy Day." I was singing and was struck by the words of the second verse:

"When I stand in that place, free at last meeting face to face. I am Yours, Jesus You are mine. Endless joy, perfect peace, earthly pain finally will cease. Celebrate Jesus is alive, He's alive!!"

I like the line that earthly pain will cease. That is what will carry me through. Both my parents are no longer in pain.

Final Preparations

2008-07-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Mom's memorial service. The official good-bye. For me it will start the long good-bye. This time the slide show has gone together very well, unlike when I put Dad's together. I finally got music onto Dad's this week..THANK YOU JOY!!

Aunt Jeanette and Uncle Cutler arrived safely yesterday from California. What a blessing she has been..Coming up twice in such a short time. I spoke with my friend, Lorri, today and she will be there as well as my friend Sara. The Lord has blessed us with such good people in our lives.

Last night was laugh night..Erika, Diane, Joy, Lydia, Melody, Rhonda and I went to go see "Mamma Mia" last night..What a hoot!! I thought I knew Abba's music, but I only recognized a few. My sister, Debbie, saw it a couple of weeks ago and talked about a "Mamma Mia" party where a group of friends get together for a meal, visit the thrift store so they can get an appropriate dress and go to the movie. I passed that on to my friends who thought it would be fun and they added dancing in the aisles too! What a vision! I know Diane would do it!

I will be glad when tomorrow is over.

Preparations

2008-07-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

Today was spent at Mountain View Funeral Home. This time (refer to a post on May 6th, I think..) we had an appointment. We had requested the same director, Chris Steward. What a neat guy! The lady in the tweed suit (May) was wearing a very dignified, blue pant suit. We got to bypass the sales room..I brought my camera this time, but didn't need it..(I keep alluding to my post in May..) One person I forgot to mention from our last experience here at Mountain View was the cemetery advisor...I won't mention his name, but he is the epitome of creepy. When we were there in May, he had on a black suit, black vest, black shirt with a black tie..Very creepy..His fingernails were manicured and had a very weak handshake. Today the shirt was orange and I can't remember the tie. Debbie and I had a difficult time trying not to laugh too much!

From there we had lunch and then headed to St. Mary's to plan the service. We got that done and our last stop was the florist. Everything is ready..

For me, finding the humor is what is keeping me sane. I know it's a defense mechanism, but that's me! I'm my Father's child. I was reading some letters my Dad wrote to my Mom while she was in Spain. He always said about me "Charlee is just being Charlee." I sure hope that was a good thing.

Right now I am numb. There are some details still to work out..putting together a memory table, a slide show with NO MUSIC!! I can't figure out the music on slide shows..Wednesday night I'm going to see "Mamma Mia" at the Shelton Cinemas for anyone who wants to join me..

We continue to covet your prayers. I had a real hard time sleeping last night. I kept seeing my Mom at the time of her death every time I closed my eyes. I will be working on her slide show and hope that will help put good images in my mind.

God Bless you dear friends!

Move Over Beverly Sills, Heaven Has A New Soprano

2008-07-28T19:47:00.001-07:00

Today at 11:43AM, my Mom's suffering ended and she is in heaven with the Lord and with my Dad..Hallelujah!! Debbie and I were with her when she died. I am so glad we were, but I really don't want to go through that again.

Mom's memorial service will be Friday August 1st at St. Mary's Episcopal Church in Lakewood at 1PM.

Tomorrow we have details to deal with, but at least there is no apartment of close up.

Thanks for all your support. It means the world to us.

Prayer request

2008-07-28T06:23:00.000-07:00

Debbie and I need your prayers. We are exhausted both physically and emotionally. We are confused, to say the least. Why is our Mom holding on? We have told her we will be sad, but ok when she goes. I am even struggling with anger issues, but I don't know who or what I'm angry about.

So..please pray...for God's will and for wisdom for Debbie and me. I've asked the Lord if there is something that perhaps Mom is holding onto that needs resolution. Pray that she would have no fear, and that she would understand that eternity with the Lord will be so much better than the life she has down here now.

Thank you!

July 26th

2008-07-27T14:26:00.001-07:00

This post is out of order..I initially posted it on my other blog...This is Saturday..the next one is today, Sunday..

Today Mom is back to being out of it again. I called this morning for an update and she was still pretty alert. She was asked if she wanted food and she declined. She didn't want any liquids either. I think she is fearful of choking as it has become hard for her to swallow.

When Debbie had gotten there around 10, Mom was out of it..apparently she had become agitated and was also having trouble taking her morphine. And, her right leg was very restless (which is part of her disease). She was given some Adavan (sp) and that combined with the morphine has knocked her out. She has not had any food or liquid since Monday the 21st. I don't know how long someone can go without that, especially in a very weakened state.

More later...

So Very Tired..July 27th

2008-07-27T14:11:00.000-07:00

I have just checked into a hotel near Manor Care. Mom is still hanging on. I spent last night in her room and got to sleep around 1AM. The aids came in around 3AM to reposition her and after they left, she was really struggling with her breathing and she was moaning. I called for help, but the nurse was with another resident. She got there and assesed Mom's situation. Her oxygen level was at 55..normal is 100. We had opted to not continue oxygen back on Thursday. She is definitely slowing down, but she is a strong woman. She always has been..physically and mentally. Needless to say, I was very scared. Debbie and Lenard had decided to go forward with their trip to Leavenworth to see a live "Sound of Music." I called Debbie at 3:15AM...There's a part of me that is struggling with the no oxygen, but I have been assured that it's ok. It would probably not help much at this point. It was initially given to her Monday as a comfort measure. And, Debbie and I have determined we want Mom to move forward. We think that is what she would want also. I also called Reg and he got up to Gig Harbor at 4:30ish. (AM) Debbie and Lenard decided to wait until daylight before heading out. Mom had settled down and was breathing easier.

So, I'm here hoping to rest. I want to stay close, and I don't think I could have driven home. So far I've stayed every other night with my Mom..It's hard to sleep there as there is lots of activity throughout the night.

Both Debbie and I are so very glad that our Dad passed first. This would be so hard for him to go through.

Please continue praying for us as we walk to the end.

More.......

2008-07-25T20:41:00.000-07:00

Today has ended up being an interesting day. Mom was actually quite alert. It's very confusing. She does not speak, except a few words to the aides as they reposition her. But, her eyes were opened most of the day and she responded to Debbie and me when we talked to her. She would give a little smile to something funny or raise her eyebrows. Debbie said that when she left she asked Mom if she was comfortable..Mom winked..but in talking with the staff and Hospice, this is not unusual for someone who is dying. There is often a rally right before they pass..I guess we'll see..

Thanks for your prayers!

Friday July 25

2008-07-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

Mom is still alive, but barely. It’s like she’s hanging on to something. Yesterday we shut off her oxygen. It doesn’t seem to have changed anything. Her breathing is noisy as her lungs are totally congested. Her heart rate has picked up because she is dehydrated. Early in this process, we had the discussion with Hospice about this time and about food and water. Physically it is easier on a person to be “dry,” without food and water in their system. It is less painful.

Mom is still given morphine every hour and her position is changed every 2-3 hours. After she is moved, she just stays there. Yesterday I brought my Dad’s cross and she has that in her hand. I got what I think was a couple of responses through raised eyebrows.

Mom has touched so many people here at Manor Care. There are many who are struggling with her imminent death. Mom has been very touchy feely here, which is interesting because she really wasn’t a touchy feely type of person when healthy. That was my Dad.

Our prayers for Mom is that she would just let go and go home to Jesus. He is waiting for her. She has accomplished much in her life and her job is finished. For me I pray that my image of my Mom would not be the emaciated woman she is right now, but that of a strong, healthy Mom. When my Uncle Jimmy died in 1982, he too had wasted away to nothing. I remember having a series of 3 dreams and the last one I saw him as he was and today that is the image I see.

More to follow…………..

Update

2008-07-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

Mom is actively dying. We got the call yesterday. Debbie and I both arrived yesterday and spent the night with her in her room. Emily and Tillie came up too, but went home with Reg a bit later.

There is so much de ja vue here with my Dad's death..Emily and Tillie are up for a week..David is unable to visit so far because of work..I have prescriptions that need picking up..

Mom is receiving morphine every hour now and they reposition her every 2-3 hours. She was moved to a private room yesterday that has both a hide a bed and an extra bed..That's where we slept.

Mom was aware when I arrived. I told her I loved her and she tried to respond. When Debbie got there she'd had more morphine, so there wasn't much response. Our wonderful CNA, Tami, seems to get the best responses from her.

We'll keep this updated as best we can. Thanks for all your prayers. They are very much appreciated.

Realization

2008-07-15T07:49:00.000-07:00

I realized something this morning. My Dad was my biggest cheerleader in life. He always told me I could do anything I wanted...as long as I was willing to face the consequences.

Back in the early 70's, my Dad made the decision to become self-employed in his consulting business. I remember him saying he didn't want to sacrifice happiness just for financial security. He believed if what you were doing in your life's work wasn't fun, it wasn't worth doing. He felt that you should really enjoy that which you do. It's something to think about.

In going through my Dad's files, I found some of his writings. He was working on an autobiography of sorts. He realized that he tended to be a perfectionist. You know, "practice makes perfect." He mellowed over the years and he had a hand written note on his computer in recent times that said "practice makes better." I like that!

Just What is Normal?

2008-07-14T19:03:00.000-07:00

My sister and I were having a conversation the other day..laced with tears, of course..Debbie said "I just want to find normal!" I feel the same way, but my response is "I think this is our normal right now."

Mom eats and drinks less and less. Hospice has a booklet on anticipatory grief and it talks about "the process." It seems like it's happening faster and faster..

I did have a good visit with Mom yesterday. Right outside each room is a window box type thing that families can decorate. Most have pictures, momentos from the past, etc. I took a bunch of pictures that showed my folks past and present, well, present in 2005. At those photo thingys at Wal Mart, you can scan them in and make a collage, so that's what I did. It came out pretty good..So, I showed it to Mom and then put it in her window box. I hope she was pleased. I think so. She still has no pictures over her bed anymore. Shortly after Dad died, she asked that all the pictures be taken down. Anyway, back to the visit..we wandered a bit and went outside. Then it was back to her room and she wanted to lay down. It's getting harder for the staff to transfer her from her chair to her bed, toilet, etc..she is getting stiffer and stiffer, because of the progression of her disease. Debbie came shortly after that and we all visited a bit. I left for Costco and then home for our evening church service.

One good thing out of all of this is Debbie and I are bonding as sisters at a deeper level. I am thankful for that!

Stuff

2008-07-02T17:39:00.000-07:00

Mom isn't getting much better..in fact, while she hasn't thrown up more since Monday, she is hardly eating and losing more and more strength. Debbie spent time with her Monday and Tuesday. Mom had declined in that short time..

Today marks the 2 month anniversary of my Dad's death..how weird. Today Tillie is 22 months..interesting that on the 2nd of each month, well at least for awhile, I will think of those two people..I know as time goes on, Dad's death won't be something I think about a lot..But it's still raw, and with Mom near to her death..well......

Debbie was talking about the seasons..our life has it's own seasons too..the thing about seasons is that each year, after winter, there is always spring..It's that way in our lives too. My Mom may be in her winter season, but spring will come again. Because of her belief in Jesus Christ, she will have spring again! It's an awesome thought! I hope I did it justice Debbie...

Update

2008-06-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

Mom is doing better. There is no answers as to why she vomited blood. We all decided that the hospital at this time would not be a good move for Mom. Any testing they might do would be invasive. Debbie came up and we visited Mom together, but she would not talk to us. We spent a couple of hours and she just wouldn't talk. She said a few yes/nos, but that was it. It was very frustrating.

Debbie will go back up tomorrow and spend more time with her. Debbie is spending the night with us.

We're off to play some Word Twist on Facebook!

News

2008-06-30T06:17:00.001-07:00

This morning at 4:50 I got a call from Manor Care..Mom is bleeding internally. We need to decide if we want her to go to the hospital. I called Debbie..I know when we hear the phone ring, especially at that hour, we are expecting to hear the worst. Debbie's on her way up and I'm trying to decide what to do. I think I will call in and miss work. I don't know...I don't want to miss a moment with my Mom if this is the start of the end.

Debbie is on her way up and we want to talk with our Hospice nurse. Hospice House may be an alternative to the hospital. Manor Care is comfortable having her there for now and it's the best place for Mom. She would become too confused at the hospital.

It's only been 2 months since Dad's death. We will survive this, but walking through it is hard. I might have mentioned this in my last post, but my Mom has asked our Hospice social worker what happens with her body, so we need to have that discussion. It's something my Dad tried to ask her, but she didn't want to answer. It's a hard question to deal with and Debbie and I need to do that with Mom.

This whole experience with my parents, and Reg's experience with his friend John, makes us realized that all the stuff we have really isn't important. John was a lifelong bachelor and had incredible amounts of JUNK!! With my parents, we had pared them down with each move they made in recent years. I have my Dad's file cabinet and have gone through it. It's been kind of fun going through it. My Dad journaled our experiences with my Uncle Jimmy and his death back in 1982. It was published and I found the original hand written journal.

Reg and I both feel the need to pare down. We were laughing last night about what would go if one of us goes first. Reg has LOTS of books....We are both packrats too..humor aside, stuff really isn't where it's at. There was a poster out years ago that said "he who dies with the most toys, wins." A few years later an answer came out. "He who dies with the most toys still dies." That's where the truth lies.

I'll keep everyone updated..please pray!

A Dad Moment

2008-06-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I had a Dad moment..It's funny where they can hit. I was at our local credit union using their coinstar..To back up a bit, at Dad's memorial service we invited guests to look at all the pins on all the hats and if one had special meaning, to go ahead and take the pin. It was actually quite fun as many people were gathered over the hats. I looked later at the hats and didn't see a pin that really spoke to me..I was kind of bummed about it too.. Reg got one from Lake Muncho, in Canada..We have a great picture of Reg in Lake Muncho! Anyway, at the credit union, dumping all these coins my Dad had, I found a pin....It was a Poulsbo pin! Need I say anymore..I started crying..briefly..thankfully the machine is set back in a hallway..THANKS DAD!! I love you and miss you!! Guess what Dad..we're even going to the Mariners game on July 4th..Don't laugh too hard!!

7 Weeks

2008-06-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

It's been 7 weeks since Dad died. When my children were babies, I remember counting their age in weeks until they were 12 weeks. Then it went in months until they were 24 months..I think it may be the same in remembering when Dad died.

I had a real nice visit with Mom today. My uncle, Bill Pistey, is up from LA, so we met at the nursing home. He visited for about 30 minutes. I'm sure it was hard for Uncle Bill to see Mom in her current state. I know it's hard for me. After he left, Mom and I went into her room to listen to the CD from the 1980 NIBS (NW Intermediate Banking School) organ concert. The cd starts off with Dad speaking. Then Dianne (the organist) plays and it works into Dad singing "Let Us Break Bread Together." Mom and I just held hands and listened. It was beautiful. When it was over, she asked me to play it again. I need to figure out how to add it here. Ahh..another challenge..I like to think myself somewhat of a 50 year old technogeek wannabe..The concert is spread out on 2 disks and the 2nd disk ends with Dad, Mom and me singing.

The next time Debbie and I visit Mom together we need to address the issue of what her wishes are after she dies. She avoided the issue with Dad, but she has been talking with the Hospice social worker and asking what's to happen with her body. This will be a hard conversation. I'm not good at doing those without Debbie. We may ask for help from Hospice too in the discussion.

I still feel numb in my grief. I know when Mom dies I'm going to request a leave of absence from work. It may involve having to quit if they aren't able to grant it to me..the downfall of working for a small company. I am tired...my stress comes out in physical issues. My house is a mess. A lot of the mess is from going through my parents files. It needs organizing..that takes motivation and time..I have the time, I just need the motivation.

I know how much I struggle with my Dad's death and my Mom's what could be soon death, but faith in the Lord has been my salvation. I don't know how people go through life without that faith. This Sunday I'm leading worship at Moriah, the local Foursquare, and I've chosen songs that express our victory and our strength. One is "Trading My Sorrows." I guess the title says it all. It doesn't negate grief, but it says to me that it's not going to consume me.

A recent post talked about my Mom's downturn. She is still aspirating her food (where it gets into her lungs), but she does seem a bit better. She doesn't eat much, but I think part of it is the food is not "top notch." Last week Debbie brought her some berries, some avocado and a mini muffin. She ate portions of all of it. Today I brought raspberries and she liked that!

Well..enough rambling..

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!

2008-06-14T19:09:00.001-07:00

I'm still not sure how to "do" Father's Day without my father..but..I found this card on Friday and for those of you who knew him...this card is AWESOME!! It is so perfectly my Dad..read further down at the pants and hats blog if you are wondering what the significance is!

Here's a toast to you Dad!! I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!! And, yeah, the Mariners are real lousy this year! This would have beeen a good year for you to have said to me "I told you so!!"

Downhill Turn

2008-06-10T18:32:00.000-07:00

My Mom has taken a turn for the worse. In the last few weeks she's had this terrible cough. An xray was taken and it shows that some of her food is getting into her lungs. They call it "infiltrate." I saw her last Friday and her voice was real low and she was coughing. We did wander around the place like we usually do. Debbie got a call Monday from Tonya, the wonderful social worker from Hospice, saying that Mom had definitely gone downhill since Friday. She didn't get up much over the weekend and she was unable to feed herself. The food she's getting is all pureed. I talked with one of the docs at my office, as I couldn't figure out how food can get in the lungs..Apparently there is a flap that separates the trachea from the esophogas. Food is somehow getting by that.

Please pray for us..It's only been 5 1/2 weeks since my Dad died. We knew it could be close, but it's going to be difficult.

I am still struggling with normal. I am unsettled and not sure what to do about it..there are some life decisions I need to make, but have come to the conclusion that I won't make any real changes until later. There are some steps I can take in the meantime though..I just have to figure those out too..

4 Weeks

2008-06-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

Friday was 4 weeks since Dad died. Debbie and I shared tears and laughter. I have always been the Mommy & Daddy's girl and stayed in contact with my folks regularly. My Mom was never a phone person, but it was her I talked with until the last couple of years. It switched to my Dad and he always let me know how much he appreciated my calls. I was finally learning not to ask him how he was as it was usually not very good. Friday when I was talking to Debbie,I shared that I missed not being able to call him and asking him how he was and then saying to myself "Rats..why did I ask that??!!" We both got a laugh out of that!

Reg's folks came to visit Friday night until Saturday afternoon. I see signs of decline with them, though nothing like my folks. Just the continual repeating themselves. Don seems sleepy a lot. But, they still seem to be very active and I'm thankful for that and thankful they are in my life.

Debbie and Lenard come home from Ketchikan today. She called around 1ish from Bellingham. They will stop and see Mom before going home to Salem.

A Small First

2008-05-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

Today was the Indianapolis 500..This was one of my Dad's favorite events! One year he even got to go see it in person! Unfortunately it was the shortest race in its history. RAIN..I can just imagine he got a real close up look today to watch the race.

I am struggling with grieving. I'm not sure why. I think it's partly because I'm still numb. I also think there has been so much loss in the last month that I can't process any of it. I was thinking that returning to my "normal" life would help, but I'm not sure. I was reading an article about a person in a tv show who recently lost her father and her comment was that she was recuperating from her father's death. I understand that. I talked to Debbie about it and she is feeling the same thing. She and I are both real tired!! Maybe when we scatter Dad's ashes we will feel whatever it is we are to feel..I don't know..I'm not looking forward to that..nervous...

Friday I visited my Mom. It is so hard to see her in her current condition. She fell again last week and has a huge bruise on her forehead. When Dad died, he didn't have time to become ravaged by his disease..Mom has..she is skin and bones.

We are looking forward to the holiday tomorrow. Reg will be trying out his new toy..I think it's called a BBQ pit..he'll be cooking a chuck roast..

Coping

2008-05-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

In the past 5 weeks, there have been 4 deaths in our lives. Another friend has just found he's got cancer throughout his body..we are struggling to cope. Our faith in the Lord says that we will get through this..I have no doubt about that..It's the getting through that's tough!!

My Dad's home phone was disconnected Monday. 253-588-5663..they had that number for nearly 35 years! Well, I think the area code started out as 206..back in the day when there was one area code for western Washington and one for eastern Washington..I called the number to make sure it was done..it was..I cried...Now, I'm in the process of disconnecting the cell phone. Then it's taking his name out of my speed dial..it's all so hard..next month Debbie and I will go through our first "first." Father's Day...The Hearn's will have their annual Museum of Flight trip and tailgate party..the rest will be different..

Life will slowly return to normal..I hope..hey, the American Idol final results were tonight..that was fun to watch! Either finalist winning was fine..it was David Cook, the rocker! Kristin is happy!!

From my cousin, Paul

2008-05-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

How strange to write an e-mail to an address whose owner has passed on. How nice to know his loving kin will read it.

My Uncle John had a significant influence on me.

The earliest memories are of a very lively figure, a boisterous tone, ready with a friendly challenge about something…sometimes, anything.

I came to always look forward to seeing John at family get-togethers because of these qualities. He was always ready with a joke, a humorous and counter-independent perspective, a rib or a jibe. He often kept me off balance, in a pleasant and challenging way. To this child, John seemed a different sort of adult.

We played ping pong, it seems like, a lot of ping pong for a period of a few years. He would have trouble moving around but not in beating me. I thought he was better than me, but he claimed it was because I was always talking. His most common remark to me during ping pong was, “SHUT UP!” I know now, of course, that I was constantly talking at that age (has anything changed?) but he was the only adult who ever confronted me about it, and I found it amusing and, again, pleasantly challenging.

My father and his father owned their own business and so by the time I was a teen-ager I was used to independent entrepreneurship. But it was during this period that I realized John made his living almost solo, leading strategic planning sessions. That also seemed remarkable to me at the time, and although there was no intention to emulate, it is ironic that my company today does much of its business the same way. Not emulation then, but perhaps more comfortable making that choice having seen a good example early on. Similarly, his departure from Deloitte made my decision much later to leave Xerox less unusual in my own mind.

Of course, John, Anne and Carolyn were kind enough to take me in upon my return from Africa and give me a chance to start an adult life in the Northwest. I am sure their patience was tried many times but ultimately the graft took and of course there I eventually met Shelia and many happy years have passed. I am forever grateful for their support in getting that start.

If I recall correctly, my last really personal, one on one interaction with John was around 1985 (so long ago!), as I was going through a tough patch. For some reason I can’t recall now, he and I were speaking on the phone. He asked me if I was having fun. I said, “No.” He said, “Good, then you must be learning something.”

At the time, my reaction to that was not positive, tough I kept it to myself. But a few hours later I grudgingly realized that comment was a reason for hope, and I took to figuring out what it was I was learning. Which, of course, was the path out that he sought to illuminate.

Much later, recollection of that comment brings a wry smile and an appreciation for a man who could not only see through the immediate situation to the truth of it but was also unafraid to upbraid you, in a loving way and insightfully for your own good, to bring the real picture to your attention.

All good people have soul, of course. Most people conduct their lives in such a way that the soul is kept in the background, on duty as a guide and a lens, but kept out of the trivial day to day dealings of life. A few people, however, have their soul in their driver’s seat. John was a such a person, and he was authentic to his soul every time I dealt with him.

I will miss John, but I am quite confident he continues in Heaven, playing ping pong with someone who needs a life lesson, saying to them, “Shut Up!” in a way that also makes them laugh.

Hats and Pants

2008-05-14T19:39:00.001-07:00

Here are some pictures from the reception..well, the pictures of the Hagopian grandkids modeling their Grandpa's hats....oh, and the pants too!!

The Hearn contingent

Micah, Emily, Kathryn, Eliza, David & Shannon
Eliza!

The Pants!

The pants, yet again!

My Mother, Anne Hagopian

2008-05-14T18:14:00.000-07:00

My Mom is an incredible woman. I could go years back and give you lots of boring details, but I won't. Most of you know my Mom's health is precarious at best and is in a nursing home. Mom has never been one to show us a lot of emotion. As I grew older, she would share with me some details about her relationship with my Dad..The good times and the bad . I know she loved him and took her marriage vows seriously.

She really hasn't cried much around Debbie and me. I feel it's her way of being in her Mom role for us. She was at the service with her (and ours) favorite aide, Tami. They were both picked up by Hospice. Before the service she was trying to get me to sit down..after Emily sang I heard her say how beautiful she did. I'm not sure how she responded to the recording of her and Dad..I was almost afraid she would be thinking of the past. Many people came up to her at the reception to greet her and love on her. My Mom's disease is robbing her of her sight too, so you have to be in front of her and tell her who you are.

The Hospice workers who brought Mom to the service were the same ones who took her to see Dad the day before he died. They shared with us their last moments. There were lots of I love yous..my Dad told my Mom how beautiful she was..there was lots of touch..the Hospice workers said it was almost a holy moment..and very sweet.

The service and reception wore her out, but what a trooper! I LOVE MY MOM!!

The Service

2008-05-13T20:58:00.000-07:00

Dad's service this past Saturday went very well. My brother-in-law, Lenard, officiated at the service. Emily sang the Lord's Prayer, we had a recording of my parents singing and a slide show that played to "I Can Only Imagine." We also had someone from Hospice sing "You'll Never Walk Alone." It all went well.. The reception was very nice too..we went as easy as we could and had it catered by whoever the funeral home uses..

There were about 60 or so people there, based on who signed the guest book. One surprise was a man who came into our lives back in 1973..I haven't seen him in who knows how long. He saw the obituary and came to the service. Another person there was Martie's vet. I didn't know until last night when I read her note she left. How cool is that?!! I have some pictures from the reception with all the grandkids that were there. My dad has a lot of hats. On several of the hats are pins from all over the world. He would collect them from their travels. We invited our guests to take a look at the pins and if they saw one they liked to go ahead and take it as a memory of Dad. It was sooo cool..people were gathered around the hats. The pictures are of the grandkids wearing the hats. My Dad was also known for his rather loud wardrobe. Especially his pants. Well, he didn't the wildest ones from the past, but he had one pair. The kids are holding those in the pictures too..I'll try to post those in the next couple of days.

A lot of people have asked "What about Martie??" (my Dad's dog) Well, Yesterday, Martie flew to Montana to be with Minnie Key. Minnie used to work at Laurel House (the assisted living place where my Dad lived.) She was my Dad's favorite nurse there and she really loved Martie. Late last year, or early this year, Minnie moved to Montana..It was Debbie's desire that Minnie would take Martie. When Minnie found out, her first question was, "What about Martie??" She wanted Martie, so the details were worked out and yesterday Martie left. That was so hard..She was a HUGE part of my Dad's life. When Martie arrived, Minnie said she was pretty scared, but when Minnie started talking to her, Martie recognized her and settled down.

Today we finished clearing out Dad's apartment. It's really final! I'm having a hard time talking in past tense. When it was time for Debbie and me to leave to our homes, we were bawling..

I know death is not unique. It happens all the time..But this experience is unique to me. I'm having to re-learn how to live this part of my life. My relationship with my Dad has been a big part of my life.

Thursday I go back to work. Part of me is looking forward to it, but there's a huge part that's not. I have a feeling that the grieving process is really just beginning. There is so much work to do when someone close dies. Last week was spent getting geared up for the service, picking up death certificates, etc..also starting the cleaning out of Dad's apartment. Now that the work is finished...all that's left is memories.

Debbie and I both feel that Mom isn't that far behind Dad..I don't even want to think about that, but it's going to be a reality. She has touched a lot of lives. In her present state, she has touched a lot of the people at the nursing home where she lives. She wonders what her purpose is now that her husband is gone. Time will tell. I only hope we have time to catch our breath.

This a rambling post..I'm tired...the pictures will be up soon..

Preparing

2008-05-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

We are in the final preparations for tomorrow's service. I'm praying that all the picky little details will work out. I'm kind of bummed one of my uncle's won't be here..oh well..We have on cd my Dad singing "Let Us Break Bread Together On My Knees." Also, my folks and me singing "The Gift of Love." Both are from 1980.

My Dad's sister, Aunt Jeanette and her husband Cutler are arriving today from Carmel. We have no real clue as to who might come to the service. It's up to the Lord on that one..on all of it..

Here's something Emily has written..

I don't want to see you leave, but I know it hurts to stay. I love you too much to let you go, but I'm at peace 'cause I know you are with God. The time we had, the love we shared, I can let it go away.

I want to be with you, in the Heaven that you've found. I want to be near you, hold your hand and say, "I love you."

This world is an empty shell, compared to where you are. A shining light, free of pain, where darkness has no hold. A place of lasting love with Jesus by your side.

You held fast to the truth in your heart, loving us all as Christ loved you. Sing there for me with Him, keeping a place for me close to you. I can only pray, only hope, I live a life as full as you have.

Busy, crying, laughing, busy, crying laughing.....

2008-05-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

When someone close to you dies, life becomes very busy. Planning services, cleaning out apartments...laughing...crying...you get the picture.

My sister and I started this journey the very next day, Saturday May 3rd. We met at the funeral home where my Dad had "plans" made. We walked in and this lady, a short lady, in a very distinguished tweed suit and very sensible shoes asked if she could help us. We had told her that our Dad's body had been brought there. She asked if we had an appointment and I told her we had no clue what we were doing! Our first stop was to their "sales" room. As a blogger I wish I had my camera, but perhaps that might be a bit irreverent! Debbie and I got the giggles several times! We then met Chris Steward who is a funeral director???? Anyway, he was great..no high pressure sales as my Dad's wishes are quite simple.

We got the service set for Saturday, May 10th at 3PM at Mountain View Funeral Home in the Celebration of Life Building. My brother-in-law, Lenard, will be officiating the service.

On Sunday we both took the day off. Monday I headed back up to Tacoma. My sister has been staying in my Dad's apartment and I am too. Monday was spent writing our Dad's obituary. That was hard....we did some packing...crying..laughing...you get the idea. It's a cycle.

Grief has many faces. And all of them are ok. I want my kids to know that..we all handle grief in various ways and we go through the various stages at different times.

Tuesday, today, was spent mostly packing things up. We took a break to run a few errands and have dinner. We keep hearing from different people how much our Dad touched their lives. It's so good to hear that.

Tomorrow we will do some more work, but then we are both going home. We will be back up on Friday. We have a care conference for our Mom in the afternoon. My beautiful Mom is handling this as best she can. Yesterday she had a good cry with her favorite CNA, Tami. We are hoping that Tami will be able to come with Mom to the service to attend to any need she may have. We are including her in some of the service plans and she told Debbie thank you for including her.

The journey continues. Thanks for all your prayers!

Dad

2008-05-03T23:42:00.001-07:00

Here are a few of the more recent pictures of my Dad and various people...

A New Chapter

2008-05-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

Today at 8:05AM, my Dad's journey on earth ended and a whole new journey with the Lord began. I got the call around 8:20AM saying my Dad just died. I think I cried out, because it wasn't expected this quick. It surprised even the Hospice people.

I called Debbie right away. She stayed at Dad's apartment last night. I called Reg and he headed home. I didn't think I could handle the drive to Tacoma.

Debbie, Lenard (who arrived in the afternoon,) David, Emily, Anthony, my cousin Bob and his wife Andi spent time in my Dad's room at Hospice House. We were able to laugh, cry, share stories..God's timing is awesome..On Thursday, Hospice arranged to have my Mom visit my Dad. They were able to tell each other how much they loved the other. Emily, Tillie and I got up there after 3 and Debbie arrived around 5ish..the Lord impressed on her to come up earlier that morning. Originally she was going to come up today (Friday). I know David is hurting because he wasn't able to come up. He planned to visit his Grandpa today. He had a real hard time going into the room today, but he did ok.

Hospice has been WONDERFUL!! Something they do for the families is to bring in sparking cider and offer a toast to their loved one. It's only if the family wants to do it and Debbie and I did. We waited for Lenard to arrive from Salem. The Chaplain explained that it is designed to help start the grieving process. He offered a prayer and those of us who wanted to offer up our own prayers did. Then we started sharing some memories. It was good! Toward the end as Bob and Andi were getting ready to leave, Andi commented that Dad was probably already sparring in heaven with his sister, Marie-Louise! It was hilarious..You would have to know the relationship between the siblings. Then she said and it would even be better because it was an election year! I commented that I could hear her saying "Rush is right..Rush is right!!"

My Dad was a wonderful man. He modeled unconditional love to his family. One of the stories I shared was the time he and my Mom had company over and after dinner Debbie and I were sent to bed. We didn't stay put and got spanked. After the company left, I remember Dad coming upstairs with 7-UP! There are so many stories to tell. He and my Mom have given us a heritage full of music. Great camping trips, the Alaska adventure, trips to Sun Valley for banker's conventions..

It's going to be weird not to call on my Dad just to say hi. I have been a Daddy's girl most of my life. He nicknamed me Charlee when I was about 5. I had come home from the beauty salon with a butch haircut. He called my horsey, baby, Charlee Horse...I remember when we both worked for Boeing, he was in my building and when he saw me he said "Hi Horsey." So much for making it in the adult world!! :)

Around 5, Debbie and I went to talk with Mom at the nursing home. They had heard the news. I had gotten a call from Anna, the Hospice nurse there, and she told us Mom wanted to talk to Dad. Once we got there, we were only there for about a half an hour as Mom said she wanted to be alone. Debbie and Lenard went back a little later. I'll see her tomorrow too.

We now start the task of planning a memorial for our Dad. Then we get to jump through all the legal hoops. I believe I am the executor of their estates. Reg just went through this last year with his friend, John. So, I'll be counting on his help.

Lord, receive my Dad now! Hold him in Your loving arms! I can't wait for the reunion!

Sharing with Mom

2008-04-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had the task of telling my Mom what was happening with Dad. I had gotten a call around 4:50 from the Hospice social worker saying that Mom was getting increasingly agitated..knowing that something was going on with Dad. Debbie and I were hoping to tell her this weekend, but it needed to be done tonight. I think that was one of the hardest things I've had to do.. About 20 minutes after I got home I got a call from the Hospice House..Dad has spent most of the day asleep. There is some concern there. It could be from some of his meds, but it could be more of the cancer.

I am so very tired..bone weary! Thank you Lord for seeing us through this journey!!

Hospice House

2008-04-28T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today Dad was moved to the Hospice House. It was determined that he needs round the clock care and Laurel House didn't really fit the bill. I spoke with Janice, a Hospice RN, and in her opinion, Dad has gone downhill since Friday when she last saw him. His stomach is very distended..he looks to be about 8-9 months pregnant..as opposed to maybe looking 4-5 months in the past! :) Janice was honest in saying that the 4-6 months prognosis was very liberal by the doctors. His transfer to the Hospice House is another indication that time is running out.

I only worked 2 hours today as I had to drive to Tacoma to sign all the admission papers. I am now Dad's guardian..he is not capable of making decisions at this time. I also picked Martie up from the kennel and brought her here. There may be a Hospice volunteer who will take her and bring her to Dad more times than I could. We'll have to see how that works out. Poor Martie is feeling displaced. She's not sure what to make of her new life. And to top it off, Emily and Tillie are here this week and Martie's not sure what to make of Tillie. Tillie follows her around. She was throwing a ball toward her, but a few times nailed Martie right on the head. Like I said...Poor Martie!! It will be good though having Emily here to help in Martie's transition.

Hospice is also offering to bring Mom out to visit Dad. What a reversal!! Dad's been visiting Mom at the nursing home regularly and the situation is in reverse. Debbie and I haven't told Mom what's going on yet. We're not sure if she'll even understand what's going on.

Thanks to my co-worker's, Erika and Carolyne who continue to cover for me when necessary! THANK YOU!

Happy Anniversary

2008-04-26T10:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my parents 55th anniversary and they had to spend it apart. As mentioned in an earlier post, my Dad is in the hospital. Thursday something was going on and he wasn't talking which got both my sister and me angry. Friday he called Debbie and asked her to come up so he could tell both of us together what's going on. Before I knew that he called Debbie, I had gotten a call from a Hospice RN who has known my Dad for a long time. My Dad was a Hospice volunteer for years. (We used Hospice back in 1982 when my Uncle Jimmy died. ) The Hospice nurse told me that they had done an evaluation..at that point I knew whatever the news was, it wasn't going to be good. She had to honor my Dad's wishes and not tell me what was going on other than he was having issues with his liver.

Long story short, my Dad has cancer that has metastasized in his liver. This is 90% as he has refused any further testing. But, all the indications are there. There are several spots on his liver. The doctors are not sure if the cancer originates in the liver or elsewhere. Dad has also refused treatment too. As hard as that sounds, I think it's an ok call.

In talking with the head of the assisted living place where Dad lives, she said that all made sense as to why he was behaving the way he was..especially the lack of appetite.

Dad's prognosis is 4-6 months. I hope that he does not suffer much. I know it's his desire to outlive my Mom, but, it doesn't look like that will be the case. I hope to snatch his external hard drive that has a lot of pictures on it and put together a digital album.

So, how do we plan for the end..or, at least the end of his earthly life. I don't know. I know that it's not going to be easy! I know though that we will get through this! I have said that I finally understand it when people say that it is a relief when someone who is very ill dies..But it still doesn't make it any easier.

This post is rambling and I think I will go to bed!

Today

2008-04-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

After getting about 4-5 hours of sleep, I headed up to Tacoma today to assess Dad's situation. When I arrived at his room at the hospital, they were giving him an ultrasound. It looked to be abdominal to start, then they moved down each leg. He has a blood clot in his left leg. His red blood cell count is very low, so they gave him 2 units of blood.

I had to take Martie to the doggie Hilton and clean up some financial messes my Dad made...:) I cleaned out his apartment of any checks, so hopefully that will take care of any further problems.

I realized something while driving to Tacoma..I am just like my Dad in many ways..Emotional, move to action right away...impetous..Debbie on the other hand is a lot like our Mom...stops and thinks..analyzes, asks lots of questions..etc..you get the picture.

Either way is right and either way can be wrong too..

A New Blog

2008-04-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

I needed an outlet to help me thru the end of my parent's lives. I guess that can sound a bit morbid, but it's a reality in my life right now. My parents are in the process of dying. I guess we all are in the process of dying, but you know what I mean.

My Dad is once again in the hospital. I know..what's new! He will not take care of himself and I'm beginning to wonder if he is capable of taking care of himself. He's complaining the food is horrible where he lives, yet won't look to an alternative. He chooses to not eat. DUH!! HELLO!! No wonder he is in the hospital. He was there last week too..dehydrated...

In the last few weeks I feel I am walking this journey alone. My sister has been busy..I'm struggling big time with it too..where is the balance between saving the world as missionaries and ignoring family issues. I know their work is important, but I am struggling nonetheless.
My prayer is that if I'm wrong in my thinking the Lord will change my heart.